It is the middle of February and the air is dry. There are fine lines appearing on my forehead, maybe because I don’t moisturize enough, but maybe as a warning of something bigger: Every day I grow closer to my own death. Soon I will be 30. I will never be younger than I am right now.
Fintech founder turned sustainability guru Bryan Johnson has an offer that caught my attention. For the low, low price of $1 million a year, I can pay him to show me the ropes of the “exact protocol” he’s followed for the past five years. He calls the program “Immortals”.
Yes, a guy who has had botox injections in his genitals wants to teach me how to supposedly reverse the aging process. Why shouldn’t I believe that Bryan Johnson has revealed the secrets to living longer than any other human being? No, he has yet to prove his ability to survive all other people. He was born in 1977, a year in which many current people were born.
But why should I doubt the judgment of a guy who fortified his constitution with the blood of his teenage son? When have the tech elite ever misled us? Also, should I question when Elon Musk says that saving for retirement is irrelevant because AGI will create economic abundance so great that no one will ever know poverty again?
According to Johnson’s post on X, this service is exclusive — only three spots available! — will include “a dedicated concierge team, BryanAI 24/7, comprehensive testing, millions of biological data points, continuous tracking, best skin and hair protocols and access to the best therapies on the market.”
I can talk to the AI ​​version of a guy who live streams himself making mushrooms for “science”? Sign me up!
Except I can’t. Because I don’t have $1 million. Those like me have to settle for Johnson’s overpriced olive oil in our quest for immortality (it’s peppery and smooth!).
Techcrunch event
Boston, MA
|
23 June 2026
My frown intensifies with the knowledge that Johnson will likely have an easy time filling up the three $1 million spots. Among the ultra-wealthy, longevity has become an increasingly popular pursuit.
John Hering, who has given Musk billions of dollars in backing, co-founded Biograph, which describes itself as a preventive health and diagnostic clinic. Its most premium membership costs $15,000 a year (next to Johnson’s offer, it almost seems like a bargain…almost). A similar startup, Fountain Life, has raised $108 million to fund its “ultimate longevity program,” which charges an annual fee of $21,500. Of course, Johnson’s program is much more expensive, but remember, there are only three spots! And if you’re still not ready to shell out seven figures, well, you can get access to a vague “supported tier” for $60,000.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to live a longer and healthier life, but long-term influencers like Johnson take this to an extreme that’s unattainable and (common sense would say) totally unnecessary for the average person.
In his defense, Johnson isn’t trying to proselytize us all into taking 100 pills a day and subsisting largely on boiled vegetables. But he also does not deprive us of the chance to make him richer in exchange for his “secrets”.